31 March 2008

Beard Alphabet


Tim Yarzhombeck made a sweet beard alphabet.

Beardy Man Challenge at White Ninja Comics

There is a Beardy Man Challenge over on the boards at White Ninja Comics. Can you rise to the occasion? Here’s some “beard-spiration” for ya…


Dan Auerbach (The Black Keys)
9.2


Dan Auerbach is the guitarist, singer and songwriter for The Black Keys, a garage blues band duo from Akron, Ohio. Tomorrow, they will release Attack & Release, produced by Danger Mouse. It’s kinda awesome, so check it out.

Also awesome: Auerbach’s beard. This barbazul is sublimely savage and finally worthy of a featured roll on the cover of their new album. It serves as an anchor for a mop top, gleams with golden-red highlights and doubles the surface area of Auerbach’s face.

Because of the intense touring circuit of his band, this beard has muscled its way into the hearts of thousands.

More photos of Akron’s best blues beard.

28 March 2008

Jon Hirschtick
5.4


To celebrate the opening of 21 today, let’s look at one of the original MIT card counters.

It’s hard to imagine Hirschtick’s ace would be his beard. But this is a trick beard, used to hide cards and calculate algorithms for the founder and CEO of SolidWorks. With this power, Hirschtick has successfully been exiled from several Las Vegas casinos and banned from gambling in Atlantic City. Also, he’s a millionaire. Not too shabby!

And like a true enginerd, this fellow forgot all about style. Sure, I’d rather have something well built than pretty and falling apart. But seriously, Jonny, grow a real beard. While it may be harsh to construe this small growth as some sad shaver’s neglect, Hirschtick’s beard begs: hit me, hit me, hit me.

Bust.

26 March 2008

Sir Frederick Henry Royce, 1st Baronet
6.9


Fifth of five children, inventor of the first engine to propel a craft over 400 mph, half of the founders of Rolls-Royce and a British bearded dude.

Royce wears a proper beard, which was a perfect companion whenever he would beg the pardon of a neighboring vehicle and ask if anyone had any Grey Poupon. Also, it was the beard of a Baronet -- how cool is that?

Royce's motto: "Whoever grows a beard, however humble, is noble."

Dan Bejar (Destroyer, The New Pornographers, Swan Lake)
7.5


Quirky, catchy music meets magical, awesome beard. Okay, so it may look like a regular old Brooklyn hipster beard from this angle, but watch the video below and see it in motion.

To an untrained eye it is unkempt and nonchalant, but the Bejar beard could be the hardest working beard in Canada. It is heavily stroked, serving as the muse for three stellar bands. It’s all natural and untamed. And who would want it any different? The stark contrast between the thick black bristle and alabaster epidermis creates the illusion of greater depth and, thus, greater greatness.

“Myriad Harbour” by The New Pornographers

Check out Dan Bejar’s brand new album, Trouble in Dreams, or my favorite, Destroyer’s Rubies (both by Destroyer) or last year’s Challengers by The New Pornographers.

25 March 2008

Mr. T
8.9


Be somebody with a beard…or be somebody’s fool!

Has there been a beard with more attitude before or since Mr. T’s? It’s possible, but not probable. When Mr. T was a bodyguard (for Muhammad Ali, Steve McQueen, Michael Jackson and Bruce Lee, amongst others), his business card read “
Next to God’s, there is no greater beard than mine.” That’s some ballsy beard bragging.

Classic and short or a gnarly Franz Josef (see: Rocky III), T wears the Shaft of beards. Sure, it doesn’t hurt that a mohawk firmly introduces the coiffure. But with just a mohawk, he’d be all jibba jabba. The beard is the anchor, the confidence, the wrath.

Say you put the beards of Chuck Norris and Mr. T in a ring to fight. My prediction: pain.




A beard-and-hawk combo would look nice on Greg Oden too. Tell him so on his site.

24 March 2008

Vincent van Gogh
7.2


Though redheads have the least dense hair, it’s sad to see they don’t try to make up for it with a gnarly beard. The van Gogh beard is trimmed short, a stark contrast to his frenetic, psychedelic, swirling backgrounds for which he is so famous. But notably, it’s a lot better than Chuck Norris.

Eventually van Gogh was overcome by his shoddy beard growth — apparently having side burns that don’t connect can cause fits of insanity — and cut off his own ear. It is for this dedication to the baard that has earned him high marks.

Van Gogh’s birthday is this upcoming Saturday. Celebrate with some absinthe and some paint.

21 March 2008

Beard Hating in the News

Not to get all political here on Beard Revue, but the last quote jumped out at me in this article on CNN.com
about Bill Richardson’s endorsement of Barack Obama in Portland today:

“John writes:
...Richardson has to lose the beard. No one will take you seriously if you look like Wolfman Jack.”

As has been previously mentioned on this blog, it’s been way too long since we’ve had a whiskered fellow (or lady, for that matter) in the White House. And I’d bet good money Richardson is in the top three to be Obama’s running mate... so we’ve got a real chance at a bearded Vice President.

Barack Obama and a bearded Bill Richardson in Portland, Oregon

Meanwhile, according to The New York Times,

“Mr. Richardson was still sporting a beard, which he grew during what he called a period of decompression after abandoning his presidential bid two months ago.”

Beards are not just for has-beens! Stop the hating, and get on the beard train. Too often a beard is viewed as an impediment to the White House. Well no more; the time for change is now! Yes we can (all grow beards, that is)…

Jesus of Nazareth
0.0

Detail of The Last Judgement by Michelangelo

Interestingly enough, Jesus didn’t actually have a beard.
Michelangelo knew this, otherwise he would have painted The Last Judgement on the wall of the Sistine Chapel a little differently. Leonardo da Vinci also knew this — look closely at The Last Supper. Recent pop culture is responsible for bearding Jesus, to make him look wise, handsome, trustworthy and awesome. The reality is that maybe he could learn a thing or two from his two dads.

On the other hand, having completely pulled the wooly beard over modern believers’ eyes, this naked face is quite extraordinary. I can appreciate anyone who can fool that many people. So add a full ten points to the above rating if you subscribe to this school of thought.

Have a great Good Friday.

The Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci (click to embiggen)

20 March 2008

Vice DOs and DON’Ts
website, not a beard

Vice’s DOs and DON’Ts is pretty savvy when it comes to facial hair. I was recently tipped off to the following post with the accompanying photo:


There’s an old Spanish proverb that says, “A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt” which is why everyone from cops to NYU drama geeks in stupid hats instantly become drinking-buddy-for-life material. (Link)

Who am I to disagree? In fact, who is anyone to disagree? And try this:

There’s something about a perfect 70s dad beard and tight Built by Wendy clothes that makes you look like the kind of guy that can bring the boat to the dock, jump out, and tie it up all by yourself while we all sit back and chortle, “Shit, Carl.” (Link)
If not for the dad beard, Beard Revue wouldn’t exist. And there’s more over at Vice. Wise asses, Santa & God, and even great advice from the peanut gallery (see: Johnny F1ve: “Grow a beard and be a man, and chop down trees.”)

No, Vice isn’t sponsoring Beard Revue. This is just a rare plug about a site that appreciates a good beard. Thanks to Kiki for the heads-up. If you know of a beard that needs reviewing, please email me. Regular format returns tomorrow.

19 March 2008

P.J. Carlesimo
8.8


Here’s a frightening statistic from ESPN:

According to the NCAA record book, only one bearded coach — former Seton Hall skipper P.J. Carlesimo — has ever guided his team to the final four.
In fact, this beard made it to overtime in the final before Seton Hall fell to Michigan by a single point in 1989 and was worn on the Big East Coach of the Year two years in a row. That’s no small feat.

Last night the NCAA tourney began with the play-in game. This year promises to be exciting. The only thing that’s missing is a full court of bearded coaches and athletes, much to my chagrin. Fortunately we can look back to Carlesimo’s straightforward growth and smile. It was the Ford Taurus of beards — nothing fancy, bigger than a compact and something anyone could obtain.

Who’s gonna win you bracket?

Postscript: Normally a Ford Taurus wouldn’t garner such a high rating. But the achievement of reaching the finals coupled with the sheer gumption to wear a basketball beard when no one else would, one has to salute this bristly emissary.

18 March 2008

Blinks (beard links)


Bearded Love by Upright Citizens Brigade.


Facial Hair Face Slap from Noelix on Vimeo.


Whiskerino 2007 from Will Jardine on Vimeo.

There are a ton more pictures and videos over at Whiskerino, too. These were just a few of my favorites.

Thanks Joshua!

Him
7.8


Being an evil, bipolar, cross-dressing arch enemy of the Powerpuff Girls, there isn’t much to like about Him. However, for Him, this frisky poet’s beard is the icing on the flamboyant personality cake.

As much as a pink tutu and ruff might hint to the nature of a man, so too does his beard. And persona and charisma are everything. Regarding Him and his, we have perfect match. Maniacal, measured, curly and pointy; truly this is the mark of a sinister man. This little tuft is also just the right amount to still stroke when coming up with diabolical schemes.

Meet the Beat-Alls is definitely the best episode. Oh, and happy Holy Week.



17 March 2008

Saint Patrick
9.3


Have you ever noticed the only two Irish guys you’ll ever see with a beard are a crazy little leprechaun mascot and Saint Patrick? No wonder one of them has all the gold and the other is the patron saint of drunken green parades.

Ol’ snake hatin’ Paddy (as they called him back in the old country) had one helluva beard. He celebrated the holy trinity of beard elements — length, style and holy girth — to his fullest potential. Certainly, his was a fleece to be admired by both soused and sober eyes.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

15 March 2008

Greg Oden should grow a Mr. T

Artist rendering of Trail Blazer Greg Oden with Mr. T hair style.

NBA rehab star Greg Oden has recently been spotted modeling a mohawk, which is pretty awesome. But do you know what’s awesomer? A Mr. T-style do, complete with hawk-beard combo.

This could elevate Oden to folklore status before he even steps into uniform.

14 March 2008

Albert Einstein
8.0


This moustache looks innocent enough, but would you believe it was behind the atom bomb? Did you know the general theory of relativity explains forward time travel but the Delorean in Back to the Future was only a prop? Did you know Brandeis University was going to be named after Einstein until they learned he could not grow a whole beard? True story.

Albert Einstein was a curious man, thinking often. Unfortunately, all his thinking led to an insurmountable sum of beard strokage — typically a harmless endeavor — which in turn led to the complete rubbing away of said beard. Tragic. (
An artist’s rendering of what a bearded Einstein probably looked like can be found below.)

However, the good man’s moustache soldiered on. And it is that very moustache, along with that frenetic hairstyle, that has inspired the look of (mad) scientists in children’s cartoons and sci-fi thrillers. The top-lip caterpillar was a staunch reminder that, although Einstein didn’t wear a chin strap, he was no less amazing. That, and probably his Nobel Prize, Copley Medal and Max Planck medal also kind of scream “genius.” Anyway, good stache.

Postscript: I always thought my former prof, John Emery, had a secret admiration for him as well.
Post postscript: I totally intended to post about Einstein earlier on his birthday, but was busy fixing my Delorean. Sorry it’s tardy.

Drew Toothpaste
9.9


Drew Toothpaste is a writer, cartoonist with two daily comics (Toothpaste For Dinner and Married To The Sea) and an avid beard enthusiast. He even shot a video for his song “Comb Your Beard (At Night)”


Toothpaste has designed a truly remarkable facial decor. The duality of writer vs. cartoonist is clearly represented in his beard. The handlebar alone is worthy of review, but the Amish curtain tips the scales. Usually, the moustache is complementary to the beard. But here two autonomous growths behave in a jaw-dropping symbiotic fashion, where each culture draws equal attention to the greater whole.

Within this beard-stache duo the line between English professor and carnie blurs. It has left me flabbergasted, but ultimately pleased. The creative ambition of the punchy-yet-breezy beard is top drawer quality, and begs one to ask the question: "Does the man inspire the beard, or does the beard inspire the man?"

Toothpaste in the beard

13 March 2008

dalas verdugo
9.6


Last week, I sat down with hipster coot, self-proclaimed hermit and Vimeo Community Director dalas verdugo to get all the hairy details of his beard. So for today’s review, you get to read some excerpts from the interview. Enjoy.

Beard Revue: When did you first grow a beard?
dalas verdugo: When I was 20 (2000 CE).

BR: What inspired you to grow a beard?
dv: It started off because it’s a waste of time to shave.

BR: Who are your beard heroes?
dv: Zach Galifianakis, C. Everett Koop, Alan Moore

BR: Often times people confuse me for other bearded people, like John Lennon, Jesus or Mr. T. Do all naked-faced people look the same to you?
dv: No — they’re more different than bearded people.

BR: Do you feel like you are treated differently because of your beard?
dv: Not in Portland. But people say derogatory things online, like “I bet you smell bad.”

BR: What food is most likely to hide in your beard?
dv: Soup. It’s the worst part [about the beard]. And cream cheese.

BR: Think fast: Shave the beard or listen to “Crank Dat” by Soldier Boy for a week?
dv: I guess I’d listen to “Crank Dat” — you know I hate that song, right?

BR: Beards have been in the news a lot lately. Is the beard back or did it ever leave?
dv: That’s just because of Conan and Letterman. Journalists are lazy.

BR: Does Amir Blumenfeld have alopecia or something — why doesn’t he grow a beard?
dv: He’s such a baby face. I don’t think he could handle a beard.

BR: Rate these George Beards.
dv: Carlin: 6, Clinton: 7, Harrison: 8. They could have kept growing them. Quitters. What does George Clinton have to lose?

BR: Do you have any grooming tips for novice beard sowers?
dv: Wash it when you shower. Trim the lip. And [the flavor savor, between your lower lip and chin] pokes, so trim that too.
Happy birthday, dalas.

12 March 2008

Jim Morrison
8.8


Mr. Mojo Risin’ gotta keep on risin’… and the only way he can do that would be to grow a big, beautiful beard. Then die young and leave a pretty corpse.

Morrison, like Brad Pitt, once made the decision to push the boundaries of his sexy public image by growing a beard. During the better part of 1970 between recording albums, Morrison had time to tend a bushy garden of hairs on his chinny chin chin. The result was an incandescent thatch that radiated confidence.

Sadly, it would be the beard that, once shaven in Paris, would lead Morrison to depression and his untimely death.

Moral of the story: If you shave your beard in Paris you will die.

11 March 2008

Steve Blake has a starter beard (updated)


In a win over Milwaukee, Blake still sports a starter beard. And he looks angry.

From yesterday:


Well, the Trail Blazers weren’t awesome against the Cavaliers today, but I did notice some potential. Steve Blake, my favorite point guard (dating back to his days as a Terp) seems to have given the razor a rest lately. He has a starter beard. Let’s hope for a strong finish.

Go Blazers!

Mel Gibson
9.3


Who knew ol’ anti-Semitic Mel would end up with a beautiful bushy beard? This could be the PR move that elevates Gibson back to Braveheart popularity.

Sure, it’s skunk striped and looks a little like Saddam Hussein’s last days beard. But that lumberjack beard serves as a friendly shroud, offering ex-Gibson fans a rare but sincere moment of reassurance. The long face ages Gibson with finesse despite his public fall from grace.

Say what you want about Mel Gibson, but the son of a bitch knows how to grow a beard.

10 March 2008

Chuck Norris
3.2


The cult of Chuck Norris is absurd amazing (psst — don’t make fun of it or Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you in the face). But there is nothing absurd nor amazing about the Chuck Norris beard.

First, it’s too short. Some days it just looks like a 5 o’clock shadow — way too short to be hiding another fist. And for all the man’s infinite fury, the beard is confined to tidy boundaries that contradicts the true nature of a Texan. And style-wise, it begs to be on the opposite end of a Camero-driving, 1980s-obsessed, tank-top-wearing, self-involved stud’s ponytail. Ew.

What it lacks in just about everything, the Chuck Norris beard does make up for (slightly) in humor (see: Mike Huckabee campaign’s greatest moment).

Your beard is your greatest sidekick. Happy International Day of Awesomeness. Link

07 March 2008

Saint Joseph (parte due)

I called my mother to wish her a happy St. Joe's and, in a very motherly way, she explained to me that I was 10 days early (the feast of Saint Joseph is the celebrated on the nineteenth). Who told me it was the seventh?

Saint Joseph
8.2


Zeppole. Ever heard of them? They’re Italian cream puffs. And Saint Joseph is the patron saint of zeppole because A) Italians love cream puffs, 2) Italians love saints and d) Italians gotta respect a dude who will raise his wife’s illegitimate son.

Though often people thought the Jesus beard was inspired by his heavenly father, Joseph’s beard was more likely the source. Friendly tufts adorned his soft features, making Joseph all the more approachable. Two millennia ago, little kids (like baby Jesus) probably grew up thinking of whiskers the way today’s children think of capes and -man suffixes: reserved for superheroes.

So in honor of an old chin puff, eat a cream puff. Happy St. Joe’s Day! Zeppole recipe
Beardographs: 1 2 3

P.S. Set your clocks forward on Sunday.

06 March 2008

Kevin Flowers
9.7


Kevin Flowers has labored nearly 35 years to achieve the perfect beard. With intense concentration and care like that of a bonsai tree artist, he has failed. In categories such as length, girth, color, flair, Santa-ness and toughness, Flowers is no dandy. He excels far beyond the required par. But, sadly, Flowers ends up lacking in the friendly catagory.

Considering only Zeus, the Christian God and The Lord of the Rings film are the only previous entries to have acquired a perfect score, Flowers still fares pretty well.

In regard to the aforementioned toughness, Flowers hardly needs sunglasses or a Harley to make himself look like a BMF. After spotting his fiercely flowing filament flag from afar, you already know the man chews nails like gum and showers in barbed wire.

Aesthetically, Flowers’ wavy beard unfurls outward but is not unkempt. In today’s granola environment, consider this as organic, natural, free-range and fair-trade as you’re going to find in a beard. The color range from bleached white burns to a mother of pearl chin guides one’s eye intuitively through the myriad textures.

One can only hope that every man can experience a beard so rich and full of personality and exquisite glory.

However, I think the best thing about this breathtaking bristle is that it inspires others to begin a beard of their own. Flowers’ 27-year-old son, Erik, started growing a beard last September. Way to up the beard ratio, Flowers clan!

05 March 2008

Doug Martsch of Built to Spill
9.8


Built to spill epic solos from his guitar and a healthy bushel of hair from his face, Doug Martsch ranks high up on the Music Gods with Godly Beards scale.

There’s nothing elaborate about Martsch’s face coiffure. Just a straight forward, honest beard that buries the competition when it comes to size and popularity. Who doesn’t get excited when they see this beard walk out on stage?

Now with a little salt with the peppery beard, Martsch’s mane is well seasoned. It’s the perfect balance to his child-like voice. Easily, this is one of my top 100 favorite beards.

Toddzino blog post with amazing BtS pics featuring Martsch’s sweet beard.

04 March 2008

Orville Wright
8.0


On 17 December 1903, Orville Wright became more than just an Ohioan with a killer moustache when he flew to new heights in the first ever controlled, powered and sustained heavier-than-air human flight thus changing the course of human history forever. Like wings floating above his upper lip, Wright’s handlebar simply inspires.

Today all of Ohio has the opportunity to make a change. Let’s see if they can live up to the standard Wright set over 100 years ago.

03 March 2008

Rutherford B. Hayes
8.9


Privately inaugurated 3 March 1877, President Rutherford B. Hayes was the first president to take the oath in the White House. The swearing in was to curb any public hijacking attempts by the Democrats over the highly disputed election (though I can’t imagine the Dems ever being upset enough to actually do something about a controversial election).

But one thing that is indisputable is that the man showcased a phenomenal beard. So abounding were his whiskers’ growth that — legend has it — his neck and mouth were never seen throughout his term. Honest and inoffensive, Hayes’ beard contained a healthy dosage of presidential character. It was a shield of wisdom, weathered yet healthy. It may not have been the most fun or exciting tress, but it commanded respect and still calls for admiration.

Postscript: Incidentally, Hayes would be the meat of a magical beard sandwich of presidents from 1869 to 1881 (Grant to Hayes to Garfield).

Dig this campaign poster (click to embiggen).