12 March 2009

The Proper Beard


The anatomy of a beard is often appreciated but rarely defined. Here we have a fair diagram of the essential elements and rules of a fashionable face fungus. Click the image to embiggen.

Anatomy of Beardy Parts:

figure 1 • An entire proper bearded specimen is known as a quillot as derived from the ancient term qilli meaning fertile.
figure 2 • Upper portion of beard is referred to as the chilk.
figure 3 • Middle portion of the beard is referred to as the fillow.
figure 4 • Lower portion of the beard is referred to as the kallow.
Clockwise from top right, aesthetic directives:
The Blend • Beard must be consistent with hairstyle and flow into sideburns with ease and grace.
Thick • A healthy thicket aids warm face and hide coins.
The Connection • All proper beards must have moustache and beard connection, a sign of the gift of gab.
Neck Line • Imperative for a proper beard, separation of chin, chest and neck is a fundamental law. Only to be ignored while on long hunting trips or while shipwrecked.
Slight Gray • Offers the impression of wisdom and experience; the sign of sage.
Upcurl • A nod to our elvish ancestors.
Lip Exposure • Traditionally the sign of a gentleman, the lip and upper chin exposed signals a wealthy upbringing.
Moustache • Complementary, not overpowering or attention drawing.
The Brow • Eyebrows should never be bushier than the lowest portion of beard and never curl higher than the Upcurl.
Thanks to Jordan Childs at Blommit for posting this exemplary diagram.

5 comments:

Heather Petersen said...

I really like the comment on neck line trimming! "Only to be ignored while on long hunting trips or while shipwrecked." I just imagine a bunch of scruffy guys on an island.

村上・ジョアンナ said...

Upcurl - a nod to our elvish ancestors.

ROFLMAO!!! EPIC!

Quinn said...

I dislike this. I thought one of the most basic reasons to grow a beard was to openly reject the silly fashion sensibilities that require men to carefully groom their faces. Even for those who do choose to trim their beards, laying out a set of rules governing appropriate growth is akin to recognizing only one hairstyle as legitimate. Obviously I'm taking this too seriously, but I am a bit surprised that this kind of thing would get any kind of support or recognition at Beard Revue. Furthermore, we can do without the snobbish imagery of the "wealthy gentleman," etc.

And personally, I find the advice terrible. Short beards with well-trimmed necklines look silly and artificial to me (trimmed cheeklines are even worse).

mb said...

@ Quinn

I can't really argue with you when I don't disagree and you already recognize how overly serious you are interpreting the post. :-)

As fickle as Beard Revue's ratings are, I'm surprised these directives offend. They should be considered nonessential (or even nonsensical).

Personally, my own neckline is trying to form Pangæa, my moustache often goes rogue and steals the spotlight, and I have no grey.

I dig the anatomical nomenclature though.

Wiegieboard said...

I have owned a beard from when I was old enough to do so. My growth started whilst I was young.

I do have a slight upcurl on my moustache which enhances my beard in many ways and am in full agreeance of the trimmed neckline which seperates chest and chin. My downpoint is that I was born into a poor family and as a result, adorn a patch of fur on the front of my chin.