31 March 2009

Blazer Beardies

I’m not able to grow a real beard - believe me I wish I could. But the truth is that neither are Steve Blake or Brandon Roy. Whatever grows out of their face right now might technically count as a “beard” but that’s only because it’s in the spirit of a “playoff beard.” If someone saw either one of these two guys walking down the street in the middle of October, they’d think that they had lost their razors.
Andrew Katz makes a good point in his article about Portland Trail Blazer beards. Coupled with the fact that Blake and Roy play in the beardiest city in the U.S., their beards are a disgrace. What’s sad is when even Rudy Fernandez and Joel Przybilla are getting in on the action. For shame…

Jim Gaffigan

The Gaffigan beard. Hasn’t been around very long — a few years. How’d they come up with that? Was there some guy in a marketing meeting like “I got an idea. How ’bout we fill a pale guy’s face with nasty hair. Then you can grow it all splotchy… and it can be barely visible.”?

♪ Gaffigan Beard ♫

Simply put, this is what a Hot Pocket might look like if it were a beard.

King Baby is available on DVD and CD today.

27 March 2009

Kids in the Hall, De-evolution, promo

“The Beard” sketch by Kids in the Hall. An all-time fave.

De-evolution (in 5 months) from Cesar Kuriyama on Vimeo. Via Cesar Kuriyama.

Beard promo

26 March 2009


The Stranger simulates a battle between beard rockers and lit rockers, even going so far as to define beardidity as the ability to up and grow a damn full-on lumberjack mountain-man beard in the course of one song.

Though unlikely, I have to agree that the only thing that could make Doug Martsch falter would be the loss of his well-seasoned mane.

25 March 2009

Michael Stipe

Leukemia chic worked for Michael Stipe for 30 years, but in the twilight of the oughts’ first decade the allure of the beard has won him over. And it’s a good thing, too — look at that dapple grey!

The flourish of bushy grey anchoring Stipe’s face breaks free a hitherto unforeseen regality. His beard also offers a general softening of his face, validating any previously suspected platitudes as actual nuggets of wisdom. This is a beard that completes the man.

Postscript: Odd, however, is this unique conundrum: usually it is quite clearly the beard that garnishes great improvement upon a gentleman’s appearance, but here we can see that a simple winter hat and a Heather Graham shrewdly placed next to Stipe are what truly enhance his semblance. Nevertheless, no points are docked — everyone looks a little better with a winter hat and a Heather Graham by their side.

21 March 2009

NYCBMC Photo Gallery

Last Saturday, Beard Revue sponsored the New York City Beard & Moustache Championships. It went swimmingly. For results and more writing on how the night went, check out the NYCBMC bog. In the meantime, here are some stellar photos that ought to sate your pogonology fix for the weekend.

gothamist.com {2006}
gothamist NYCBMC on Flickr {2006}

Bonus: Here’s some reporting from Zeitgeist:

19 March 2009

Cinco Mouth Decorator

The Cinco Mouth Decorator lets you jazz up your face with only a few sparkles and a hot glue gun. Don’t forget about the Cinco Power Ruby for that extra bit of flare!

Happy Saint Joseph’s Day, Mom.

18 March 2009

Moustache Fight!

Just a comic to reflect the furious flurry of moustache-related paraphernalia that just landed on the Revue today…

Staches for your belt, your pocket and your labbit


Spy gear accoutrement? Hygienic gag gift? However you end up using Kelly DeVries wild sarsaparilla-scented Secret Agent Soapstaches, they will always be awesome.

Follow DeVries on twitter for more crafty goodness.

17 March 2009

Marcus Aurelius

Can you believe it’s been nearly two millennia since Marcus Aurelius, the last of the five great emperors, was ruling Rome with a well-endowed mandible. A lot of beards have come and gone in the last 1,829 years, but few measure up to Marcus’ championing of the beard.

No, one need not know Koine Greek to meditate on this barba philosophy. Marcus has been lauded for his capacity “to grow a beard just as it was, not obscured by any consciousness of the presence of listeners or any striving after effect.” (Not that it would have mattered much, as his bust clearly displays a well-maintained face foliage.)

Certainly the beard inspired a great deal of stoicism. Some choice quotes:

We can’t be happy, but we can be bearded; let us therefore pretend that, so long as we are bearded, it doesn't matter being unhappy.

Do not act as if thou wert going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over thee. While thou livest, while it is in thy power, be bearded.

16 March 2009

Rick and Michael Mast
7.3 x 2

In the grand scheme of things, a beard is pretty tough to beat. Brother beards are like an earthquake wrapped in a hurricane nestled in a box of tsunamis.

Rick and Michael Mast, proprietors of Mast Brothers Chocolate, have a pair of natural-disaster strength beards. The brothers Mast practice parity in a conventional approach to their respective plumage, but the subtle aesthetics are commendable.

Michael Mast (above left) dons an appropriately chocolate brown beard at a medium length. Rick Mast’s beard is rich with crimson hues and is gradually longer at the chin. The beards’ charmingly rugged mien conjure up implications of great craftsmanship. Neither is favored more than the other, but a complimentary balance is struck.

These pilose brothers can be found haunting the fuzzy streets of Williamsburg.

Get to know your brothers:

Mast Brothers Chocolate
Meet & Eat: Rick and Michael Mast, the Chocolatier Brothers | Serious Eats: New York
Brooklyn’s New Culinary Movement | The New York Times

12 March 2009

The Proper Beard

The anatomy of a beard is often appreciated but rarely defined. Here we have a fair diagram of the essential elements and rules of a fashionable face fungus. Click the image to embiggen.

Anatomy of Beardy Parts:

figure 1 • An entire proper bearded specimen is known as a quillot as derived from the ancient term qilli meaning fertile.
figure 2 • Upper portion of beard is referred to as the chilk.
figure 3 • Middle portion of the beard is referred to as the fillow.
figure 4 • Lower portion of the beard is referred to as the kallow.
Clockwise from top right, aesthetic directives:
The Blend • Beard must be consistent with hairstyle and flow into sideburns with ease and grace.
Thick • A healthy thicket aids warm face and hide coins.
The Connection • All proper beards must have moustache and beard connection, a sign of the gift of gab.
Neck Line • Imperative for a proper beard, separation of chin, chest and neck is a fundamental law. Only to be ignored while on long hunting trips or while shipwrecked.
Slight Gray • Offers the impression of wisdom and experience; the sign of sage.
Upcurl • A nod to our elvish ancestors.
Lip Exposure • Traditionally the sign of a gentleman, the lip and upper chin exposed signals a wealthy upbringing.
Moustache • Complementary, not overpowering or attention drawing.
The Brow • Eyebrows should never be bushier than the lowest portion of beard and never curl higher than the Upcurl.
Thanks to Jordan Childs at Blommit for posting this exemplary diagram.

11 March 2009

Édouard Manet

Characteristics of Impressionist paintings include visible brush strokes, open composition, emphasis on light in its changing qualities (often accentuating the effects of the passage of time), ordinary subject matter, the inclusion of movement as a crucial element of human perception and experience, and unusual visual angles.
Though widely regarded as an Impressionist, French painter Édouard Manet did not consider himself as such.
This is probably due to his very non-Impressionist beard.

The texture of Manet’s cheveux jardin benefits from illuminated, for sure. But the beard is no ordinary subject (two vortex barbs juts forth with admirable vigor), was a fixed staple of his profile (the hairship serves better as a signature than his actual mark) and was often viewed from all the usual angles (front, side, obtuse, et cetera.).

Self portrait entitled Le sigh. I can’t believe they think my beard is ordinary.

10 March 2009

Calling all NYC recession beardists

Kris Payne is recruiting all recession beardos in the New York City area:
Is there anyone in NYC who just started growing a beard because you lost your job? A recession beard, as they say.

Email Kris Payne or reblog this. He needs to talk to you and you could get your picture in the paper.

No Star Clothing fuzz fashion

No Star Clothing has a few amazing shirts for sale right now, including such themes as President Lincoln, moustaches, Cheech & Chong and the Ditka-God trick question. Click the picture to go to the shirt page…

09 March 2009

Itchy Beard

Does your beard itch when some one is lying? The Itchy Beard t-shirt from Bang Bang T-Shirts is only £8.00 (≈ $11.30) until March 15. Includes free international delivery.

Thank FSM for T-shirts Around the Internet.

Terrence Williams

Terrence Williams is arguably the most athletic basketball player in the NCAA. Since his freshman year, the parts caught up to the whole and his baseline stats are remarkable. He picks up whatever the Louisville Cardinals are lacking on a particular night — rebounds, assists, points, blocks. Williams has provided leadership at the point, something of which the Cards were in desperate need. And he has a stylish beard.

It should come as no surprise that a gentleman from the great Northwest (he’s from Seattle) and living in Louisville might sport a beard. But as athletes go, it’s still fairly rare. Thankfully, Williams has learned a few things over the past four years.

As a clean-shaven freshman, the Cardinals went 21-13 and played their way into the NIT final four. As a bearded senior, Williams has lead the Cards to a 25-5 record — and the best Big East conference record, 16-2) — entering the Big East tourney. Because corelation implies causation, this obviously has everything to do with the Samson Effect and William’s beard.

While not exactly a crumb catcher of epic proportions, Williams’ chinstrap has a streamlined fashion that resembles two colliding Nike swooshes. Face sculpting in the likeness of Nike — the goddess of victory and a potential sponsor — is just another smart play amongst a myriad this season. And for that, it deserves its kudos.

Expect more high flying beard action from Williams during the ensuing weeks.

05 March 2009

First Thursday Beard Art

Aaron Piland, a Portland artist, believes art is a form of reality creation and that we all have the power to change the world with it. via Grass Hut

Betsy Walton is an artist for hire out of Portland. This piece, entitled 1, was created for Sasquatchtennial, at Grass Hut.

Mark Sreski is a graphic designer in Manchester. Beard of Ages is a promo piece for Mark Dormand that won first place in DesignersTalk’s poster competition.

Dave Franzese is an artist out of Brooklyn. No wonder some of his illustrations have prominently-featured beards.

Christina Chicas, an art student at Colgate University, recently created something of a propaganda poster for beards. It is available in myriad forms of media at Cafe Press.

Tristan Ellis is an illustrator and graphic designer in Orange County, California. He likes Hunter S. Thompson, Joy Division, long walks on the beach and beards. He also has a blog.

These bearded ladies are by Natalie Perkins, a graphic designer and illustrator from Brisbane. She’s selling on Red Bubble.

04 March 2009

Life as a beardo shouldn't be so tough

Truly a labor of beard love, here is “B.E.A.R.D.” by Captain Dirt and the Sars Lip Compromise.

Thank you, Michael and Paul.

03 March 2009

Bearduary Season Ending

Bearduary wraps up tomorrow!


Beard Revue has been receiving a lot of mail lately. But I’ve been overwhelmed with day-to-day stuff — like, for instance, work — and haven’t been able to respond to everything. So, here I will attempt to field your comments, questions and concerns.

Thank you for writing in!

From Sean:
I’ve got a handlebar that’s growing quite unruly. Do you have any tips for trimming it without messing it up? You seem to be an expert on the subject. I’ve attached a pic of the ’stache in question, it’s called the Wild Bill Dickock. I’ve also attached another pic of what I was sporting before just for the heck of it, It's called the Chester Bea Arthur.
Sean, first of all: the names you give your facial hair are exemplary. I recommend everyone find a category by which to properly classify their facial manifestation of awesomeness. But to create your own names… well, that’s just legendary.

As for your grooming habits, I can recommend a couple things.
  1. Be very careful. While you can always grow back your sweet ’stache, I don’t know anyone who would want to suffer a week without that handlebar.
  2. I have been letting my mo’ go for a while now. I’m not a heavy waxer yet, but I do use Craig’s Beard & Stache Butter Wax to shape and mold my lady tickler. Seriously, this stuff is easy to use, smells pleasant and will last you for-e-ver.
Happy moustaching, Sean. By the way, I love both styles, but the Chester Bea Arthur you sported is wicked cool. ¡Joder!

Heidi sent me this strip from A Softer World.

This one’s pretty awesome. My footballing friend Ty Kreft found an article from The Guardian about Celtic defender Danny McGrain being barred from entering Albania because he wore a beard.

Is it true that Albania once barred Celtic defender Danny McGrain from entering the country because he had a beard? wondered Andrew Oxley in 2007.

Very nearly, was the answer, as communist Albania frowned at all facial hair under its leader Enver Hoxha, who had made beards illegal before Celtic were due to travel for their 1979 European Cup first-round first leg tie against Partizan Tirana. The owner of a fine-follicled face-hugger himself, McGrain was understandably anxious before the trip, recalling that “there was a lot in the press about beards being banned there.”

As it transpired, no one told McGrain to shave it off and he went on to play in a 1-0 defeat. “I would have done it if they had asked, but I had actually seen a few people with them,” added the Celtic legend, whose side subsequently ran out 4-1 winners in the return game. “It was a little intimidating too because when we went outside there were only men in the streets and no women to be seen, but there was no bother at all.”

Right-back McGrain went on to win 62 caps for Scotland, before moving into management at Arbroath, where his fancy chin-warmer came to prominence again. “I’ll never forget how the fans took to Danny McGrain and his beard,” recalled then-chairman John Christison of the so-called ‘Danny McGrain’s Bearded Army’. “It was crazy — but brilliant. They would all wear their own beards and we had 700 T-shirts printed up. They sold out in three days.”

Jorn wrote:
…and included the picture above.

Mohammed sent the Revue an update about a team of Kiwi footballers, the New Zealand Warriors, last autumn. At the time, I was pretty wrapped up in the US election season and completely missed seeing this in my inbox. I’ll let this article from September 19, 2008 explain what urged Mohammad to write:

It’s been an issue that’s been building (or growing as it were) for months. The porn-star moustaches, the Grizzly Adams beards, even the overdone goatees, have been apparent on all.

Did a few losses early in the season lead to a ban on razor blades at the club, or is this a Samson-like superstition - losing hair would lose games?

In the aftermath of the eight-placed Warriors knocking over the minor premiers, Melbourne, team captain Steve Price was finally asked about his beard: "What's doing with them?"

And the truth was revealed. The Warriors have been growing their facial hair for three months, as a tribute to their departing prop Ruben Wiki.

Nicknamed 'Jake the Muss' (from the NZ film Once Were Warriors), Wiki became only the tenth player and first New Zealander to play 300 first grade games in the NRL when he started at prop in the Warriors 28-26 victory against the Wests Tigers in June.

According to Wikipedia, Wiki, of Samoan and Maori heritage, played 55 test matches for New Zealand between 1994 and 2006, the most test matches played by any rugby league footballer in the world (as at April 2008).

And, apparently that's enough to ensure that when he started growing a beard, his teammates followed.

Oh, and get this: there was a Warriors fuzz campaign in Wiki’s honor. The fans brought cut-out beards (below) to the games! Why am I not exposed to more rugby?

Phil just thinks of me whenever he sees a beard at this point. Good. He no longer owes me gas money. (Sorry, I couldn’t find a source for this one.) These are by Ashley G and Drew. Thanks, Geof!

And I here’s some general fan mail… because my ego has room to grow:
I felt compelled to tell you that your blog is great.

I wear but a humble moustache now but I did use to sport a full beard (see attached photographic evidence) and am a fan of facial hair in general.

Keep up the good work mate —
Thank you, Chris! I dig the beard you’ve donned and wish your moustache a lifetime of glory and awesomeness.

02 March 2009

Ron Howard

On the merit that this ginger beard is even visible, it safely resides in the top fifty percentile. But that’s about it. Ron Howard’s beard was recently described as “scruffy but defined, light and sweet” (The Jewish Journal). But it looks more like the accidental beard a university student might wear on his weekend laundry trip home than a purposeful development.

When is the goal a “light and sweet” beard? Unassuming, maybe, but sweet? If the uniquely male characteristic of whisker farming is relegated to an adjective shared by the fairer sex, vanilla ice cream and puppies, said whisker farm is harvesting a plagued crop.

Light and sweet, just like Richie Cunningham. How boring.